Get a Life

My boss says to me today "So Samantha, is this going to be your year?" I respond with a quick and confused "Huh?" to which she says with no hesitation (but not like she had rehearsed it) "Are you gonna move out, get a life?"

Ouch.

I guess she hears the look on my face and stops herself before going any further. I do a "Did you hear that, she said I have no life!" to someone else in the room to ease the tension. We all offer a laugh without seriousness and I eventually mumble something about moving out, that yeah, that would be good.

But for probably the next half an hour I think about getting a life. Or more so that people have the impression that I am without one. I guess we get comfortable, in our roles. Our everyday tasks, and weekly events. I'm slowly working towards goals. I'm not exactly where I want to be, but I'm not exactly terribly unhappy either. It's been worse.

If I am honest enough about how I think about other people, I would be able to say that I have thought "Oh, if they could just do that, things would probably be just a little better for them." I probably didn't take into consideration that they might be working on changing things, or might just be happy the way they are.

It was a lot easier before I realized that a lot of people probably think the same things about me. My internal perception of my LIFE is not what other people see; that has become painfully clear the past few days. Someone said to me yesterday "You seem as though you're carrying a burden." What the fuck? Is this like a napsack, can I toss it off my back when I realize it's too heavy?

Questions I need to ask myself are, do I think these external perceptions are true? Do I care if they're true? Do I care what they think? Should I care what they think/if they're right? Is this surge of seemingly skewed views about my life and personality a sign that I am indeed a lame sad duck?

If I weren't me, I would probably want to change something else for me too. I'd be another person looking at me thinking "I could not live like that, I could not accept that as my existence." Because, I've thought that about other people.

I'm comfortable though, and really ok. I'm more ok than I've been in a while and the changes that I do want to work on seem to be moving ahead. So, is it worse for me to be quasi-happy with a life other people see as mediocre, or to be depressed about a life I realize is a dump?

I choose quasi-happy with opportunity for growth.