I'm settling into my new vehicle nicely. I've had one, almost two incidents of road rage so far, and have felt HORRIBLE about them. In my old car if people were too close, I would hit my brakes kind of hard to make them back off (worked most of the time.) But I don't want to do that in my new one and mess the brakes up. Besides, it's a lot taller, no telling what crazy things it would do. I did it once and the tires squealed. Very scary. I must STOP. So, the new way I feel better about screwing with people too close to me when I'm already going 10 miles over the speed limit is to use the windshield wiper cleaner. It generally blows back onto their windshield as well, causing a muck. What's the worst that can happen, I'll have a really clean windshield, and hopefully they'll go around or back up. Fools.
School is eh. I've got a couple of punks in my english class who just know everything about everything. Hush up already. One sounds like he's memorized a bunch of crap and is just repeating it from memory. It's quite annoying. My online class is ending up being quite a bit of work that springs up on me. I work better last minute under pressure though, so that's usually how it goes. So far I've got an A in there. In english we don't have any grades yet, but I haven't missed any classes. A test in two weeks, so we'll see how I fare.
Work is ok. I wish wish wish we had overtime so I could make more money. With the car and this sort-of moving in at Theran's, it's going to be a stretch every month. I'll survive though, things usually seem to turn out ok. I will enjoy being at Theran's. Nights when Tommy works I get all wimpy and can't go to sleep for hours. Plus, we always just have a good time hanging out or just doing whatever. I'm not sure how long G will be there and that's kind of scary, but I will enjoy being there while I can. Eventually Theran and I will make it to Ikea so she can see for herself the glorious Scandinavian empire that it is....
Shameful Confession of the Day:
I will shortly retire to my room where I will play music and sing horribly and dance like a nut until I am exhausted.
Luckily I checked my online class page during lunch at work today. Our teacher had made an announcement reminding us that we had a couple of papers due by midnight. The assignment was kind of tucked away in an inconspicuous folder about writing assignments, and I just didn't see it! But, they were easy little papers, a personal history, and one about three important events from the year we were born. I picked Sandra Day O'Connor being name a Supreme Court Justice (it IS a Women and History class...needed that in there.) MTV being launched, and the official recognition of AIDS as a real and threatening disease.
A cousin of mine died of AIDS. He was Karen's brother. He would come from Durham to Carolina Beach to visit my mom and they would play scrabble together. He brought a picture album once of a Halloween party he went to. I remember seeing a man in chaps with his butt cheeks hanging out. They caught me going back to look at it a few times and they laughed. I was about 6. But that's how I know my mom was open minded and accepting, she LOVED him, and he would come visit and like I said, play scrabble and just hang out.
It feels good to be back in school again. I wrote my little papers and felt good about them. There's something wrong with me. Really. No, I like to write gosh darn it. I like for people to know what I think, and to communicate it in written form. That's ok. It's really ok. I'm not a bad person for it.
Shameful Confession of the Day:
I farted in the Controlled Document Room at work, when anyone could have walked right in behind me and 100% known it was me. I giggled at it and felt better.
I am sort of glad to start a new week. Last week was a very unproductive one. The snow and ice on Wednesday sort of just started the nose dive for a lousy rest of the week for me. Nothing bad really happened, I just felt bad not being at work. Friday was ok with the snow but I had to take Tommy to the hospital. He is ok, he hurt his back and couldn't really do anything. They gave him some medicine and told him to take it easy for a week or so. At least it's nothing life threatening...
My car is gone. I might start to cry thinking about where it might be. I have a shiny new X-Terra in the driveway, but my maroon Shadow meant a lot. I cried a lot in that car, laughed a lot, made out a lot, thought WAY too much, and nearly got myself killed just a few times. I'm hoping my new vehicle will offer many happy memories in the future, but still thinking about the car makes me sad. It's almost like losing a pet.
Class was cancelled last week because of the weather, so I at least don't have that to feel guilty about. I do need to come up with a topic for my paper, by Thursday. Shakespeare, eh. Once I tried to write a paper about Shakespeare and the possibility that he didn't write his famous works, but Sir Francis Bacon did. I shan't do that again....
Shameful Confession of the Day:
I had caramel Hershey kisses tonight. Quite a few of them. I emotionally ate them and it felt good.
I cannot say whether things will get better if we change; what I can say is they must change if they are to get better.
-G. C. Lichtenberg
'He means well' is useless unless he does well.
-Plautus
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein
Whether it's true or not, I feel smaller. I'm more motivated in the past few days about all of this, I'm not sure why. I really didn't stick to anything this past weekend, but I've been pretty good so far this week. Last night Tommy and I went to Johnny Carino's...Italian. Boy did I want some pasta and tiramisu. But, I got the Rosemary Lemon Chicken/Hold the pasta, double the vegetables instead. I had half and brought the rest to lunch. Everyone said it smelled so good and they wished they had some, so that made it taste even better. I'm usually the one smelling others' food wishing I had it. Like when they get back with Wendy's in a few minutes. I'm full though so hopefully it won't be too bad. Food is such a drug.
So to help all of this, today I got a 50 dollar gift card that works at Chili's, Maggiano's, Macaroni Grill, and a few other places I don't think we have around here. I got it for doing some work for another department. It was really a surprise, but I appreciate it. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, but apparently they did!
We have a temp starting next week. I really wish we had overtime instead. I'd wear it out...
I go all the way to Wake Tech to get a replacement book, and they're slap out! There had to be 50 books there this time last week. I guess a lot of people waited until the last minute. More books should arrive tomorrow. That's what I get for not calling. I had a feeling I should have.
This online class is going to be tough, I think a lot more work than if it were a regular class. We've got 3 or 4 papers to write, and then all of the online message board correspondence as well. Hopefully I will learn a lot, that's the important thing. I would like to know about more women than Hillary Clinton and Oprah. I mean they're great, whoo hoo, go them, but lesser known influential women are great too....
S gets to go to San Diego for work for 2 weeks. I think that will help that he will be gone. Hopefully he won't ask me to watch his cat. I'd have to say no. That would be pointless, his cat might as well be him, and I'm fine until I see him.
Plus, if he keeps running by my office door grinning and waiting for me to be happy for him, I might just resent him. Eh, it's a long flight anyway, I won't be too jealous. I'd rather go back to NJ than there, quite honestly.
I have thought of one really positive thing about possibly moving in with TB. (yeah they're a disease!) For some reason when I'm there, I'm usually up by 9am, at the latest 10am. Maybe it's because there's usually some commotion going on and I get woken up, I dunno. But, it's good, because no matter what, if I'm at home in Durham, I just sleep all day. And I don't want to sleep my life away. (anymore) Naps are GREAT and I will never stop those...sleeping when you're really not supposed to is the best sleep of all. But, laying in bed from 2 AM until 2 PM does not a nap make. So, that's my positive, I will actually have more time to 'get a life' (reference previous post) should I move there. PLUS...there's a CAT. Hot Damn.
I'm a bit stoic at the moment. Nothing terribly exciting is going on. I wish I could be at work right now, that's how hum drum it is. I usually would rather be at work around this time, when no one is there. I could get stuff done and not have to hear anyone. It just gets so...crowded. Is that awful of me? I do become antisocial sometimes...this moment is one of those times. A year and a half ago I probably just wouldn't have gone to work, and ended up losing my job. So, I guess I'm doing better.
So Geoff might move out of the party hole, and I might move in. I haven't thought about it too much because I guess it's been mentioned and mulled over before, and nothing really happens. He's quite famous for saying one thing is going to happen, and then the complete opposite occurring. Then there's whether or not T and B would really want me there...
I'm apparently a famously horrible roommate. But, I used to be a famously horrible lots of other things too, and I've improved, so who knows.
I think I'll like my British Lit class. There are some interesting characters. A woman sitting by me had escaped Liberian or Cambodian (forgive me for not remembering exactly) Civil War and now works as an infertility nurse. I've got a sparky little dude to my left who's in a band and thinks he's hot shit. There's a singing evangelical minister's daughter on the other side of the room (thank goodness) and a brother and sister team near her with chocolate milk skin. They seem nice. A guy sitting at their pod of desks seems suspiciously interested in everyone, asking questions. I think he was either stalling something or thinking we were all idiots in his own mind.
The teacher is kooky, so I like her. She's got the short hair and big mumu. Very little head and a lofty sort of body under the mumu. Bohemian to say the least. I dig it...
Tomorrow I have to take my history book back to the store. I paid the new price for it, but the first four pages are missing. I'd like my first four pages please.
Cinnabon Popcorn!
In my mouth!
Tastes so good.
Till it heads down south!
Cinnabon Popcorn!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Cuts my bum
Like a garden plow!
Cinnabon Popcorn!
Try you some!
As good as sex
But won't make you come!
Night before last I dreamt that I was going somewhere...on an airplane. I appeared to have taken off fine, sitting smack in the middle of the parents from Growing Pains. Maggie and Steve was it? It was definitely Maggie...him I'm not so sure about.
Anyhow. She was to my right and made me feel calm. He was on my left and kept complaining about how my stuff was scattered everywhere.
There was an onboard movie...one of the Harry Potter films.
Suddenly we're back on the ground...guess it was just a practice run, we haven't gotten anywhere. We're switching passengers and this and that and I get a message and have to get off the plane. It leaves and in a few minutes there is smoke and commotion at the end of the runway. It hardly made it off the ground and it crashed. The Growing Pains parents were ok, although others did not make it.
I deduced that since I had been sitting in between them and they were alright, that I would have been fine.
Last night I dream (among other things I've already forgotten) that I'm going to a concert...with Theran I believe. It's.....an Eminem concert. I lose Theran somewhere along the way and end up in a balcony with a bunch of people I don't know. But, there's plenty of space and it's rather kooshy. Good thing, because as the crowd starts getting anxious for the concert to start, in comes Eminem and he sits down beside me. I notice that his arms aren't as big and cut as I thought they'd be. But he lays across my lap anyway and we become the best of friends, almost romantic to a point.
Another concert or a preconcert starts that involves groups of singing and dancing kids.
Eminem disappears, and someone arrives to decorate the balcony.
My boss says to me today "So Samantha, is this going to be your year?" I respond with a quick and confused "Huh?" to which she says with no hesitation (but not like she had rehearsed it) "Are you gonna move out, get a life?"
Ouch.
I guess she hears the look on my face and stops herself before going any further. I do a "Did you hear that, she said I have no life!" to someone else in the room to ease the tension. We all offer a laugh without seriousness and I eventually mumble something about moving out, that yeah, that would be good.
But for probably the next half an hour I think about getting a life. Or more so that people have the impression that I am without one. I guess we get comfortable, in our roles. Our everyday tasks, and weekly events. I'm slowly working towards goals. I'm not exactly where I want to be, but I'm not exactly terribly unhappy either. It's been worse.
If I am honest enough about how I think about other people, I would be able to say that I have thought "Oh, if they could just do that, things would probably be just a little better for them." I probably didn't take into consideration that they might be working on changing things, or might just be happy the way they are.
It was a lot easier before I realized that a lot of people probably think the same things about me. My internal perception of my LIFE is not what other people see; that has become painfully clear the past few days. Someone said to me yesterday "You seem as though you're carrying a burden." What the fuck? Is this like a napsack, can I toss it off my back when I realize it's too heavy?
Questions I need to ask myself are, do I think these external perceptions are true? Do I care if they're true? Do I care what they think? Should I care what they think/if they're right? Is this surge of seemingly skewed views about my life and personality a sign that I am indeed a lame sad duck?
If I weren't me, I would probably want to change something else for me too. I'd be another person looking at me thinking "I could not live like that, I could not accept that as my existence." Because, I've thought that about other people.
I'm comfortable though, and really ok. I'm more ok than I've been in a while and the changes that I do want to work on seem to be moving ahead. So, is it worse for me to be quasi-happy with a life other people see as mediocre, or to be depressed about a life I realize is a dump?
I choose quasi-happy with opportunity for growth.
Addendum:
- Do not take shit from boys. Stick to this like the way I used to stick to the shit they threw at me.
Well I missed work today. So much for that resolution. But, it's not like I'm playing hooky or anything. If anyone heard me speak they'd certainly want me to stay far away from them. I sound like I've been punched in the face a few times.
I went to the doctor. He seems to think it's allergies. I for one am not rooting for his diagnosis because that means this might be a normal thing, and I just can't live like that! It is wrong for me to beg for a sinus infection? I've never had allergies before...what on earth!?
So, I have this theory. I think every time I have a dream about two planes crashing, something horrid happens in the world. Shortly before September 11th I dreamed that two planes crashed into a train, one shortly after the other. A couple of weeks ago I dreamed about a light colored plane being chased by a dark blue or gray plane. But they both crashed behind Cracker Barrel. A tsunami has squat to do about airplanes, I know.
I did dream once about a very small plane crashing on Aviation Parkway, the road I take home from work. The most prominent memory of the dream is that there was a baby on board, and I kept coming across infant body parts as I looked for survivors.
A few days later, while I was at work, a similarly small plane had to make an emergency landing on Aviation Parkway. So far as I know no one was hurt and there were no babies on board.
There are horrible things happening in the world every second, I am aware of this. I am sure my dreams are not precursors to international history changing events. Still, I will take note in the future of dreams about parallel planes suddenly intersecting.
New Year's Resolutions:
- Stop calling people 'rednecks'
- Eat Less
- Write More
- Don't miss any class or work
- Don't be such a slob
- Be less shy
- Get a handle on the road rage Sammy....
